neutral milk hotel night again

Gardenhead / Leave Me Alone

There are beads that wrap
Around your knees that crackle into the dark
Like a walk in the park like a hole in your head
Like the feeling you get when you realize you're dead
This time we ride roller coasters into the ocean
We feel no emotion as we spiral down to the world
And I guess it's worth your time
Because there's some lives you live
And some you leave behind
It gets hard to explain
The gardenhead knows my name

Leave me alone, for you know this isn't the first time
In fact this is twice in a row
That the angels have slipped through our landslide
And filled up our garden with snow
And I don't wish to taste of your insides
Or to call out your name through my phone
For the glory boys at your bedside will love you
As long as you're something to own

Follow me through a city of frost covered angels
I swear I have nothing to prove
I just want to dance in your tangles
To give me some reason to move
But to take on the world at all angles
Requires a strength I can't use
So I'll meet you up high in your anger
Of all that is hoping and waiting for you

man, i hope i didnt mess him up as bad as i messed myself up.

band of horses

It's looking like a limb torn off
Or altogether just taken apart
We're reeling through an endless fall
We are the ever-living ghost of what once was

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is a better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now
The whole thing's tumbling down
Things start splitting at the seams and now
If things start splitting at the seams and now,
It's tumbling down

idk what to do now.

arcade fire

It takes fightin' day and night
to make such a good thing die

but i managed just fine. :-(

in other news..... y the hell is everyone relapsing??? and y is everyone homeless?

and y does God make me stay up all night just to help a friend? cuz every time i pull an allnighter someone ends up needing help. God, You are weird.

Anyways im off to rescue a friend, feed him and put him to bed. bc that's just what i do.

velvet underground

I'll be your mirror Reflect what you are, in case you don't know I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset The light on your door to show that you're home When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I find it hard to believe you don't know The beauty that you are But if you don't let me be your eyes A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid When you think the night has seen your mind That inside you're twisted and unkind Let me stand to show that you are blind Please put down your hands 'Cause I see you I'll be your mirror


I am tired, I am weary I could sleep for a thousand years A thousand dreams that would awake me Different colors made of tears

saw him tonight. still makes me panic. still makes me feel everything i am stuffing. i hate that. i hate the fact that i'm letting him affect my serenity. that seeing him makes me want to go to another meeting. but if thats what it takes to regain peace, i'll go.

in other news, i'm working on my english paper.... a critical analysis of a speech by ronald reagan. its supposed to be research free. ha. like i know who Billie Sol Estes was.

vitamin water lies

it says it has everything you need.

well i need more than vitamins and water. i need a roof over my head. food on my table. and money in my pocket. and since i just found out that i've been sanctioned by dss none of those is likely to happen for a while. i'm doing my part to fix this, but i gotta be honest, i'm a little discouraged. i'm struggling to balance everything. and i feel like i'm dropping the ball.


And I'm sorry I treat you this way

Deep inside the shell I crawl into
Crying alone I know I'll get by
Please stay away
I just don't want to see you
The things that you say I know they're all lies

But I don't understand what the story's about
Explain to me please how the sunlight got out

Please don't leave me here
Dreaming alone with phantoms

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/porcupine_tree/#share

or maybe i dont want to see him because i dont have any good news to share. im losing my grip on things. maybe i really cant do it without him. i dont think that's true. but i'd like some evidence to the contrary.


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing i could hear your voice again
Knowing that i never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed i could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say "goodbye"
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say "goodbye"
Help me say "goodbye"

God, i miss Howard. maybe he would know what i should do now. :-/

i sure dont.

she said

face down in the dirt she says this doesnt hurt....

yeah. i've finally had enough.

i'm going to find a way to stop it from hurting.... when he ignores me. and to stop it from making my day.... when he says anything remotely nice to me.

and .... j..... it had better not take a year to happen. lol.

smiles

well, im single again. i think i need more time to get over my ex. since im obviously still tormented by missing him. and worrying about him. to the point of insomnia for days on end. damn.

i dyed my hair redish brown. made some new friends. reconnected with some old ones. joined skype. started burning cds for friends (music cds w jesus songs) and for money (speaker cds for a 12 step program im in).... nothing illegal though. i'm still working side jobs. and searching for a church. spending more time with my mom. talking to my sister more. keeping up with classes. picked up a sponsee. im discovering who i am. and learning to like myself. mostly.

i wish i wasnt still so pathetically in love with my ex. i wish i didnt have some of my character defects. i wish i could sleep normally instead of too much or not at all. but all in all im okay.

for you.

Businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
And I guess I'll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But to bow to down to them anyway
Is better than to be alone

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now you're knocking at my door
Saying please come out with us tonight
But I would rather be alone
Than pretend I feel alright

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
Then I guess I'll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

Now I'm Ready to Start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start

Now I'm Ready to Start
My mind is open wide
Now I'm Ready to Start
Not sure you'll open the door
To step out into the dark
Now I'm ready!

maybe now i get what he is feeling, maybe all i can hope is that she's better to him than i was. and damn these tears.

doubts

im seriously over the novelty of the long distance relationship. and not having met him means theres nothing substantial to replace that missing piece. plus his health problems. and the fact that none of my friends trust him and all of the people in my life say to end it. means im having serious doubts.

maybe i need to be single till im over my ex and have worked through my character defects.

two-headed boy

Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it is past
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

it's odd how we give people the power to wound us so deeply, so freely. i did warn you i get pensive when im up all night studying, lol.

i'm afraid. i'm scared out of my mind to try again, specifically with this new guy. he freaking had a heart attack this morning. what if he dies on me? or what if he hurts me indefinitely like my ex is doing to me now.

all i needed was a text sayiing "I'm fine". and he couldnt give me that. because he isnt okay? or does he hate me that much? doesnt he know i'll always love him? i cant take my heart back. all i can hope for is that the pain of going on without him lessens over time. meanwhile there are a thousand things that remind me of him and each one makes me cry. loves a pain lol.

why....

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

i get pensive in the early morning hours. i learned the hard way the first time around. i had to fail out of college, become unemployable, wreck my car, and lose the man of my dreams followed closely by destroying a year long relationship with the only man i've ever given my heart to.... just to learn that it just might be time to change myself. or rather, let God change me.

i give my ex credit for surving me and daring to try again so soon. it hurt me like hell, but it was still a brave move on his part. so kudos to you if you come across this. maybe someday i'll tell him how sorry i am. but i think i need to move on a little more before i risk that. anyways, im trying something new. and im going to prove that with God's help i can do what my ex couldnt.... i am going to work part time, go to school, have a relationship, work the steps, and grow as a sober woman. im going to try to do everything differently. in the words of a friend..... "we didnt come all this way just to fall."

school

im a student again.... yay! hence my pulling two allnighters in six days. but that will improve as i get better at this whole studying thing we college students are suposedly known for. i was definitely not into it my last go round at o.d.u. so i am perhaps overly determined to suceed this time, no matter how many allnighters it costs me. im taking psychology, and english 101 again since my C's didnt transfer. and stress managment because i am super stressed about school and life in general. here's hoping all this work pays off at the end of the semester.

so after studying all night tonight i think i'll visit my 730 am meeting, and then hit javas to study some more and refuel on coffee. classes are from one to four and then my friend and i are going to meet up at 4:30 to hit another meeting. im thinking i'll stop at wilson farms to get a monster on my way to the first meeting bc ill def need it by the second one. then i'll theoretically have all my work done so i can crash early tomorrow night.... well, technically tonight. anyhow, off to smoke a cig and fraternize with my favorite security guard. cyas.

Depression sucks.

and that is all i feel like saying, lol.

Hairdye and ferrets

Aka.... the randomness of my roomate and I. She wants to get me a ferret to wake me up in the morning when I move out. Also we were discussing how I got highlights dyed into my hair. Yeah. And tonight she made garlic bread out of parmesean tomatoe bread. MMMMM.

It's been a busy few days. Between classes, tutoring, working, meetings, coffee with my girlfriends, and grocery shopping I haven't had time to blog. I will say that I was really surprised to find out that tostitoes are $3.49 a bag. But I had to buy them to go with my layered bean dip.... not the one I make but the kind they sell in stores.... hey..... it was on sale. And sunny D is only $0.99 cents so I felt justified in spending more on creamer. Well, it WAS belgian chocolate toffee creamer after all. lol.

Also, I sort of met someone. I really didnt think anything would come of it but it appears to have so I'm rolling with it. Taking it as slowly as possible for now, but enjoying it to. He's pretty much (here he'd say "pretty much??") perfect for me. It's almost unbelievable. From what we like and want or need to things as silly as having tons of blue and purple in our lives (our fave colors) it's really almost creepy. *shivers* lol

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

Just another Wednesday.....

Went to training class this morning. Then my noon meeting. Took the bus home since neither of my friends that take me home occasionally showed up. Now I'm killing time till my bus comes to take me to my homegroup. Then probably a trip to the Mount Hope Diner followed by another meeting.... and my sponsor is the speaker tonight!!

So it's a typical Wednesday. Except this week I won't be seeing the ex bf since he's out of town visiting his new gf. But other than that it's pretty normal and a bit boring. I mean, I like having meetings. And I love hanging out with my friends. But idk.... somehow life seems boring lately. Can it be busy and boring at the same time? Well, it is lol. It feels like something or someone is missing. NOT the ex bf..... I felt like this long before we broke up. I keep adding more stuff into my schedule and it's not that. I have tons of friends. And I'm content with being single for now.... I think. It's not God that's missing. So what else is there? Oh the mysteries of life. People keep asking if I'm okay. And I'm not sure why I'm not. It's not depression, I dont think. Part of it could be my feelings of betrayal by the ex and him having moved on so much faster than I expected him to. But I'm getting over that slowly and it's still there... this feeling I can't quite place. Doesn't help that I'm flat broke and down to my last few cigarettes. :-( ah, well. Time to get something accomplished.

Vanilla Twilight lyrics

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Hey, it's a good song... look it up.

Today was insane but awesome. I spoke at a meeting this morning. Then decided I should listen at one before I spoke another meeting tonight, so I hit a 1pm meeting. Where my sponsor gave me a temporary (until she finds someone long term) sponsee. Then a girlfriend called freaking out so we met at boulders and talked over iced coffee (her) and rasberry italian ice w lime (me). Then I came home to marinate my lamb chops and cook lentils and leeks. And ran out again to speak at a six pm meeting. Then I seared the lamb and put potatoes au gratin in the oven (which my wonderful roomie took out) while I ran off to another meeting. (Hey- it's good to listen as much as you talk.) Came home again, and finally ate dinner which turned out awesome. Now I'm catching up online before tackling my homework.

Tomorrow I have College Prep class, then a new one.... training for a support specialist position that would be ten hours a week if i get hired.... a noon meeting, tutoring all afternoon, meeting w my MHAP counselor, and then (MAYBE?) working for a friend or hitting another meeting.

Well, it's late.... time to hit my emails and then homework so I can catch a few hours of sleep before tomorrow.

Doubts

Do you ever look back on your memories and wonder if any of them were real? Or do you wonder if you only saw what you wanted to see? I have so many questions and I dont think I like the answers. Maybe I really was that horrible of a girlfriend. Maybe he really never loved me. Maybe it was pity or boredom, not love. I know I gave up the good for the best. And my life is better without him in it. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this. But there was a time when I was his girlfriend. When he called me beautiful. And oh the burn of his speedy recovery. And how it hurts to have him call her things he never called me. Or to envision him doing things with her he once did with me. I turned down so many dates to spare his feelings. Did he ever stop to consider mine? Or was it just about him having what he needs?

But this is life. Men move on quicker than women do. And I've filled my life. Even went on a date. I'm buying a tv with a vcr and possibly a dvd player. I'm working like crazy and earning enough to get by with a little cushion. I'm applying to college for the fall. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I'll be okay. And someday soon I'll fall in love for real, with my whole heart not just a part. That's worth waiting for.

Olive oil

Is very expensive; and it fell out of the car and broke. So my roomie said i can use hers. I'm making lentils, lamb, and potatoes au grautin for dinner some night this week if anyone wants in. I did most of my grocery shopping for the month today. Funny thing is I almost bought more to drink than to eat. Ah well, at least a third of it was water. Plus I still have a fair amount of food left from last month whereas I ran out of liquids a week or so ago.

A friend of mine gave me some clothes she wanted to get rid of today. I'm keeping half of them and giving the rest away.... my roomie gets first dibs.

Okay, it's time to stop avoiding my homework..... which i started doing this afternoon even though it's not due till tuesday because i have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I do know i have to go back to the store because i forgot a few things.... like the raisins for oatmeal RAISIN cookies LOL!

Missing You

I've been everywhere, looking for an answer
I've been in and out, of every place in town
I've been checking out, looking for a reason
I just can't seem to work it out, which every way I choose
Oh I've been missing you

Some days are epic fails. Today was. Well, no, today was great. Tonight was not so much. I was sort of on a date. Physically I was present but my heart isnt in it. I just dont understand how in the world he moved on so fast. I'm not that kind of girl i guess. In every way i can i've moved on. I've filled my days and nights with working and tutoring and classes and friends and meetings. But I dont want to settle and i'm not over him. so tonight was just wrong somehow. I gave my date that quick peck as I leapt out of the car. And I tore myself away so fast i think it may have hurt his feelings. I'm just plain old not ready to risk my heart again. it's still pouring blood from the last time i trusted a man with it. And the fact that he's falling in love with someone new just pours poison into the wound. I want to lash out. I know it's wrong but i want to hurt him the way he's hurt me. But i know the suffering is my own fault. It's all about my own lack of acceptance. So my conclusion is that I'm an epic failure at not loving him.

I'm okay

Time don't stop and wait for pain
Pain does fade away in time
Guess it all was just a game
When you gave your heart and I gave mine

I'm okay (I'm okay)
I'm just fine
We fade away, hardly cross my mind

I'm okay (I'm okay)
My memories, they comfort me
Thoughts of what we used to be

Must admit you had me fooled
The love felt real, I can't deny
I really wish I did not know the truth
So I could go back to that lovely lie

And it only hurts when I breathe (only hurts, when I breathe)
I can't feel it til I take a breath (take a breath)
And I'm holding on to these false memories
Cause that's all, all that I've got left

Small Victories

It's the little things in life that make it all worthwhile. Today I went to class, made plans to go to MCC in the fall, went to a meeting, tutored the students, met with my MHAP (Mental Health Apartment Program) counselor, submitted a piece for publication, fixed the problem of my check not coming on the 25th, fixed my internet issues (okay, the nice techs at time warner did that), met with my sponsor, and bought toliet paper- the good kind. There will be none of that cheap stuff for my roomie and I this month. :-)

I feel very acomplished, and tired. But really, isn't it those small victories that matter most? The moment a student gets it for the first time.... or watching your computer connect to the internet for the first time in days. Making a step forward, a difference, or just doing the next right thing- it all helps me to sleep at night. Or rather, the things that help me to get up in the morning.

Progress Report

Well, I'm in a new apartment in New York. I have a roommate that I actually get along with... she even has made me coffee in the morning :-) I'm taking a college prep class in the mornings and tutoring some G.E.D. students in the afternoons. On Fridays I babysit, and sometimes I do some work, on the side, nights and weekends. I'm applying to LPN programs and hope to be in classes by the fall. As of the 23rd I'm sixteen months clean and sober. And for the last couple of months I've also been single. I give all the credit to God for where I am at today. And I'm super excited to see where I am in another year.

So I decided to start fresh with a new blog. The old one is going away tonight so keep tabs on this one.