Hairdye and ferrets

Aka.... the randomness of my roomate and I. She wants to get me a ferret to wake me up in the morning when I move out. Also we were discussing how I got highlights dyed into my hair. Yeah. And tonight she made garlic bread out of parmesean tomatoe bread. MMMMM.

It's been a busy few days. Between classes, tutoring, working, meetings, coffee with my girlfriends, and grocery shopping I haven't had time to blog. I will say that I was really surprised to find out that tostitoes are $3.49 a bag. But I had to buy them to go with my layered bean dip.... not the one I make but the kind they sell in stores.... hey..... it was on sale. And sunny D is only $0.99 cents so I felt justified in spending more on creamer. Well, it WAS belgian chocolate toffee creamer after all. lol.

Also, I sort of met someone. I really didnt think anything would come of it but it appears to have so I'm rolling with it. Taking it as slowly as possible for now, but enjoying it to. He's pretty much (here he'd say "pretty much??") perfect for me. It's almost unbelievable. From what we like and want or need to things as silly as having tons of blue and purple in our lives (our fave colors) it's really almost creepy. *shivers* lol

I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better

Just another Wednesday.....

Went to training class this morning. Then my noon meeting. Took the bus home since neither of my friends that take me home occasionally showed up. Now I'm killing time till my bus comes to take me to my homegroup. Then probably a trip to the Mount Hope Diner followed by another meeting.... and my sponsor is the speaker tonight!!

So it's a typical Wednesday. Except this week I won't be seeing the ex bf since he's out of town visiting his new gf. But other than that it's pretty normal and a bit boring. I mean, I like having meetings. And I love hanging out with my friends. But idk.... somehow life seems boring lately. Can it be busy and boring at the same time? Well, it is lol. It feels like something or someone is missing. NOT the ex bf..... I felt like this long before we broke up. I keep adding more stuff into my schedule and it's not that. I have tons of friends. And I'm content with being single for now.... I think. It's not God that's missing. So what else is there? Oh the mysteries of life. People keep asking if I'm okay. And I'm not sure why I'm not. It's not depression, I dont think. Part of it could be my feelings of betrayal by the ex and him having moved on so much faster than I expected him to. But I'm getting over that slowly and it's still there... this feeling I can't quite place. Doesn't help that I'm flat broke and down to my last few cigarettes. :-( ah, well. Time to get something accomplished.

Vanilla Twilight lyrics

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

Hey, it's a good song... look it up.

Today was insane but awesome. I spoke at a meeting this morning. Then decided I should listen at one before I spoke another meeting tonight, so I hit a 1pm meeting. Where my sponsor gave me a temporary (until she finds someone long term) sponsee. Then a girlfriend called freaking out so we met at boulders and talked over iced coffee (her) and rasberry italian ice w lime (me). Then I came home to marinate my lamb chops and cook lentils and leeks. And ran out again to speak at a six pm meeting. Then I seared the lamb and put potatoes au gratin in the oven (which my wonderful roomie took out) while I ran off to another meeting. (Hey- it's good to listen as much as you talk.) Came home again, and finally ate dinner which turned out awesome. Now I'm catching up online before tackling my homework.

Tomorrow I have College Prep class, then a new one.... training for a support specialist position that would be ten hours a week if i get hired.... a noon meeting, tutoring all afternoon, meeting w my MHAP counselor, and then (MAYBE?) working for a friend or hitting another meeting.

Well, it's late.... time to hit my emails and then homework so I can catch a few hours of sleep before tomorrow.

Doubts

Do you ever look back on your memories and wonder if any of them were real? Or do you wonder if you only saw what you wanted to see? I have so many questions and I dont think I like the answers. Maybe I really was that horrible of a girlfriend. Maybe he really never loved me. Maybe it was pity or boredom, not love. I know I gave up the good for the best. And my life is better without him in it. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this. But there was a time when I was his girlfriend. When he called me beautiful. And oh the burn of his speedy recovery. And how it hurts to have him call her things he never called me. Or to envision him doing things with her he once did with me. I turned down so many dates to spare his feelings. Did he ever stop to consider mine? Or was it just about him having what he needs?

But this is life. Men move on quicker than women do. And I've filled my life. Even went on a date. I'm buying a tv with a vcr and possibly a dvd player. I'm working like crazy and earning enough to get by with a little cushion. I'm applying to college for the fall. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. I'll be okay. And someday soon I'll fall in love for real, with my whole heart not just a part. That's worth waiting for.

Olive oil

Is very expensive; and it fell out of the car and broke. So my roomie said i can use hers. I'm making lentils, lamb, and potatoes au grautin for dinner some night this week if anyone wants in. I did most of my grocery shopping for the month today. Funny thing is I almost bought more to drink than to eat. Ah well, at least a third of it was water. Plus I still have a fair amount of food left from last month whereas I ran out of liquids a week or so ago.

A friend of mine gave me some clothes she wanted to get rid of today. I'm keeping half of them and giving the rest away.... my roomie gets first dibs.

Okay, it's time to stop avoiding my homework..... which i started doing this afternoon even though it's not due till tuesday because i have no idea what tomorrow will look like. I do know i have to go back to the store because i forgot a few things.... like the raisins for oatmeal RAISIN cookies LOL!

Missing You

I've been everywhere, looking for an answer
I've been in and out, of every place in town
I've been checking out, looking for a reason
I just can't seem to work it out, which every way I choose
Oh I've been missing you

Some days are epic fails. Today was. Well, no, today was great. Tonight was not so much. I was sort of on a date. Physically I was present but my heart isnt in it. I just dont understand how in the world he moved on so fast. I'm not that kind of girl i guess. In every way i can i've moved on. I've filled my days and nights with working and tutoring and classes and friends and meetings. But I dont want to settle and i'm not over him. so tonight was just wrong somehow. I gave my date that quick peck as I leapt out of the car. And I tore myself away so fast i think it may have hurt his feelings. I'm just plain old not ready to risk my heart again. it's still pouring blood from the last time i trusted a man with it. And the fact that he's falling in love with someone new just pours poison into the wound. I want to lash out. I know it's wrong but i want to hurt him the way he's hurt me. But i know the suffering is my own fault. It's all about my own lack of acceptance. So my conclusion is that I'm an epic failure at not loving him.

I'm okay

Time don't stop and wait for pain
Pain does fade away in time
Guess it all was just a game
When you gave your heart and I gave mine

I'm okay (I'm okay)
I'm just fine
We fade away, hardly cross my mind

I'm okay (I'm okay)
My memories, they comfort me
Thoughts of what we used to be

Must admit you had me fooled
The love felt real, I can't deny
I really wish I did not know the truth
So I could go back to that lovely lie

And it only hurts when I breathe (only hurts, when I breathe)
I can't feel it til I take a breath (take a breath)
And I'm holding on to these false memories
Cause that's all, all that I've got left