vitamin water lies

it says it has everything you need.

well i need more than vitamins and water. i need a roof over my head. food on my table. and money in my pocket. and since i just found out that i've been sanctioned by dss none of those is likely to happen for a while. i'm doing my part to fix this, but i gotta be honest, i'm a little discouraged. i'm struggling to balance everything. and i feel like i'm dropping the ball.


And I'm sorry I treat you this way

Deep inside the shell I crawl into
Crying alone I know I'll get by
Please stay away
I just don't want to see you
The things that you say I know they're all lies

But I don't understand what the story's about
Explain to me please how the sunlight got out

Please don't leave me here
Dreaming alone with phantoms

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/p/porcupine_tree/#share

or maybe i dont want to see him because i dont have any good news to share. im losing my grip on things. maybe i really cant do it without him. i dont think that's true. but i'd like some evidence to the contrary.


You were once my one companion
You were all that mattered
You were once a friend and father
Then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again
Wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed
Somehow you would be here

Wishing i could hear your voice again
Knowing that i never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed i could
Passing bells and sculpted angels
Cold and monumental seem for you the wrong companions
You were warm and gentle

Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again
Knowing we must say "goodbye"
Try to forgive teach me to live
Give me the strength to try
No more memories no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say "goodbye"
Help me say "goodbye"

God, i miss Howard. maybe he would know what i should do now. :-/

i sure dont.

she said

face down in the dirt she says this doesnt hurt....

yeah. i've finally had enough.

i'm going to find a way to stop it from hurting.... when he ignores me. and to stop it from making my day.... when he says anything remotely nice to me.

and .... j..... it had better not take a year to happen. lol.

smiles

well, im single again. i think i need more time to get over my ex. since im obviously still tormented by missing him. and worrying about him. to the point of insomnia for days on end. damn.

i dyed my hair redish brown. made some new friends. reconnected with some old ones. joined skype. started burning cds for friends (music cds w jesus songs) and for money (speaker cds for a 12 step program im in).... nothing illegal though. i'm still working side jobs. and searching for a church. spending more time with my mom. talking to my sister more. keeping up with classes. picked up a sponsee. im discovering who i am. and learning to like myself. mostly.

i wish i wasnt still so pathetically in love with my ex. i wish i didnt have some of my character defects. i wish i could sleep normally instead of too much or not at all. but all in all im okay.

for you.

Businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
And I guess I'll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But to bow to down to them anyway
Is better than to be alone

If I was scared, I would
And if I was bored, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now you're knocking at my door
Saying please come out with us tonight
But I would rather be alone
Than pretend I feel alright

If the businessmen drink my blood
Like the kids in art school said they would
Then I guess I'll just begin again
You say can we still be friends

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm Ready to Start

Now I'm Ready to Start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start

Now I'm Ready to Start
My mind is open wide
Now I'm Ready to Start
Not sure you'll open the door
To step out into the dark
Now I'm ready!

maybe now i get what he is feeling, maybe all i can hope is that she's better to him than i was. and damn these tears.

doubts

im seriously over the novelty of the long distance relationship. and not having met him means theres nothing substantial to replace that missing piece. plus his health problems. and the fact that none of my friends trust him and all of the people in my life say to end it. means im having serious doubts.

maybe i need to be single till im over my ex and have worked through my character defects.

two-headed boy

Two-headed boy
All floating in glass
The sun it is past
Now it's blacker than black
I can hear as you tap on your jar
I am listening to hear where you are
I am listening to hear where you are

it's odd how we give people the power to wound us so deeply, so freely. i did warn you i get pensive when im up all night studying, lol.

i'm afraid. i'm scared out of my mind to try again, specifically with this new guy. he freaking had a heart attack this morning. what if he dies on me? or what if he hurts me indefinitely like my ex is doing to me now.

all i needed was a text sayiing "I'm fine". and he couldnt give me that. because he isnt okay? or does he hate me that much? doesnt he know i'll always love him? i cant take my heart back. all i can hope for is that the pain of going on without him lessens over time. meanwhile there are a thousand things that remind me of him and each one makes me cry. loves a pain lol.

why....

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

i get pensive in the early morning hours. i learned the hard way the first time around. i had to fail out of college, become unemployable, wreck my car, and lose the man of my dreams followed closely by destroying a year long relationship with the only man i've ever given my heart to.... just to learn that it just might be time to change myself. or rather, let God change me.

i give my ex credit for surving me and daring to try again so soon. it hurt me like hell, but it was still a brave move on his part. so kudos to you if you come across this. maybe someday i'll tell him how sorry i am. but i think i need to move on a little more before i risk that. anyways, im trying something new. and im going to prove that with God's help i can do what my ex couldnt.... i am going to work part time, go to school, have a relationship, work the steps, and grow as a sober woman. im going to try to do everything differently. in the words of a friend..... "we didnt come all this way just to fall."

school

im a student again.... yay! hence my pulling two allnighters in six days. but that will improve as i get better at this whole studying thing we college students are suposedly known for. i was definitely not into it my last go round at o.d.u. so i am perhaps overly determined to suceed this time, no matter how many allnighters it costs me. im taking psychology, and english 101 again since my C's didnt transfer. and stress managment because i am super stressed about school and life in general. here's hoping all this work pays off at the end of the semester.

so after studying all night tonight i think i'll visit my 730 am meeting, and then hit javas to study some more and refuel on coffee. classes are from one to four and then my friend and i are going to meet up at 4:30 to hit another meeting. im thinking i'll stop at wilson farms to get a monster on my way to the first meeting bc ill def need it by the second one. then i'll theoretically have all my work done so i can crash early tomorrow night.... well, technically tonight. anyhow, off to smoke a cig and fraternize with my favorite security guard. cyas.